A CEO’s Christmas wish list as read out at the Annual Christmas Staff Party

I hate Christmas. I abhor the annoying carol singing and fake Christmas decorations stuck on shop windows. I loathe the ubiquitous Christmas tree that HR insists we must put in the office lobby. Most importantly I absolutely detest the annual staff Christmas party because I know that everyone can’t wait for me to leave so that the real partying can begin. I hope that chap in finance can handle his alcohol better this year than he did last year. If you insist on drinking liquor that you can’t pronounce just because the company is paying for it, at least make sure your body can withstand the onslaught.

Anyway, this is what I wish all the staff would give me for Christmas this year:

1. A deeper understanding of primary school mathematics: I’m sick and tired of explaining why we can’t afford to give salary raises. While Joe Blow might think that an incremental Kshs 5,000/- per month on his salary will not hurt the company, the actual impact is Kes 60,000 per annum and there is are least 100 other members of staff at Joe Blow’s job grade. Total impact on that job grade is Kes 6 million. Now translate that into ten other job grades and suddenly basic mathematics starts to form geometric equations.
2. A broader view of the organization: I’m sick and tired of inter departmental fighting. The only thing that gets hurt are our customers who wait (im)patiently by the sidelines as we try to figure out who to blame for yet another operational botch up. Why can’t we all just get along? Right, I know. It’s because we are all trying to look good at the expense of our colleagues: Peter pours crap over John’s head, makes him look bad, then Peter gets to look better. You all need to understand that the more crap you pour over each other’s heads, the more crap starts to fill the organization and soon the organization starts to look, smell and feel like…..CRAP!! I personally don’t care who is to blame as long as we sort out the customer in a minimum of 12 hours. That is who we are here to serve, the customer and not our own self inflated pathetic little egos.
3. More Work, More Play: Listen, I get it. I get the fact that many of you are young and you work to live. My generation lives to work. Yup! That’s how we were brought up. But I’ve listened to my personal coach who tells me that I am dealing with a different generation that has a different value system. So from next year I will be implementing an output-based work ethic. You will be judged by the work you produce and not by the number of hours you spend sitting at your desk. So if you want to shoot the breeze for four hours surfing on the internet on your phone, no problem. As long as the work that has been allocated to you gets done within the timeframe set and the customer is not impacted, I will not hold it against you if you come to work at 10:00 a.m. and leave at 4:00 p.m. If you want to work in you pyjamas from the comfort of your house go ahead. Follow Nike and “Just Do It!” This does not apply to the folks at the 24-hour Customer Service Centre nor to the sales desk teams who service customers during our official opening hours. I however caution that if you do not get your work delivered on time, follow Johnny Walker and keep on walking out of the door.
4. Innovate or die: Good people: I went up the mountain and had a meeting with God. I came down the mountain carrying two tablets with Ten Commandments that He revealed to me: (i) Innovate or Die (ii) Innovate or Die (iii) Innovate or Die (iv) Innovate or Die. I guess you can figure out what the remaining six commandments were. Our products are boring, bland and banal. We are doing the same thing that we have done since this company was incorporated thirty years ago. Our competitors are doing the same thing since this industry was established forty years ago. No one dares to be different; no one wants to buck the trend. Something deep within the annals of my gut (it must be the pure cold air from God’s mountain) tells me that someone somewhere will come with a product that will be a game changer and will send us into an unremarkable oblivion. Our customers are aging and we need to tap into the youthful future segment that spends its eyeball time and generates great satisfaction while in front of a screen. I haven’t the foggiest idea how we are going to do this, but I know one or three or ten of you have some bright ideas that have probably been shot down before by those boring management seniors who report into me. I want to hear your ideas however outlandish they may seem to be. I will give anyone a half-day off every week if that half-day can be shown to generate product innovation ideas that will change the face of this company. My personal coach told me to leave my door open and put tape over my personal assistant’s mouth to prevent her blocking staff who want to see me (her husband will probably thank me for the tape part, I foresee). Let’s get this innovation show on the road.

I’m not much of a speechwriter so I’ll end this now and ask that you join me and sing:

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it’s harmony-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say “not me”!

[email protected]
Twitter: @carolmusyoka
The writer will be taking a well-deserved Christmas break until the New Year. Happy holidays!