Diary of a Kenyan Governor-elect

March 8, 2013
I’m in. I’m in. I’m in and I like to win. I received the winner’s certificate from the returning officer at 3:59 p.m. today. It has been a remarkable journey to get to this point but I had no doubt that I was going to win. Alright, I lie. I had serious doubts during that atrociously bungled nomination, but nothing that a few thousand shillings greasing the right party officials palms can’t cure. My name now starts with the title Governor. Wacha tu. Governor Tom. It sounds…..almost…..presidential. After all, since I am the senior-most elected official in the county it is not unreasonable to think that I am the president of the county, right? I thought so.

March 11, 2013
My supporters escorted me to the Town Hall. I took one look at that decrepit building and thought it was not befitting the stature of a Governor’s Headquarters. So I called the chaps at the Transition Authority and they told me that the plan was always for me to take over the provincial administration offices. The County Commissioner’s office to be precise. Well, not to waste any time we sped over there singing songs of praise, at least my supporters sang. I just nodded and looked the part…….presidential. Much to our surprise, we found the offices locked without a soul in sight. Curious. It was only 2 p.m. I addressed the rapidly thinning crowd and we agreed to re-group tomorrow. It seems one has to pay people to hang around singing your praises these days and my coffers are empty after that grueling election race.

March 12, 2013.
That **** nitwit of a county commissioner has refused me to take over her office. Does she know who I am? Governor! First of all, I have more bodyguards than her – or at least I will when the Provincial Police boss sends them across. (For some strange reason I’m getting the distinct feeling that he is avoiding my calls) Second of all, the people elected me, my mandate comes from them, and they WANT me! Mine was not a one o’clock radio announcement followed by a notice from the Head of Public Service. Thirdly, the letter G comes after the letter C. G for Governor, C for county commissioner. It follows therefore that C is less than G. Right? Wait, I will give her a presidential dress down!

March 15, 2013
That County Commissioner is really dancing on my last nerve. She ordered a Fundi to change the locks on her office door, added two bolts, four padlocks and the only thing missing is a retina recognition security system to open her door. She’s even welded her swivel chair and table to the floor so that I don’t even think of moving the furniture around. I called the Transition Authority folks and they told me she was being unreasonable and she should stop it. I told her the same, in slightly more flowery terms through the window of her office where she had barricaded herself. I have ordered for a blowtorch, a crowbar and a tractor with chains. This war has to be taken to the trenches. Anyway the good news is that I went by the State Lodge earlier today. It would make for a good Governor residence, after all if it’s fit for a president it’s fit for a Governor. Now if only I can convince those Transition Authority folks the same. To look presidential, I have to live presidential, right?

March 20, 2013
I was just about to detonate a homemade incendiary device at the County Commissioner’s door when a chap from the Transition Authority drove up looking quite flustered. It seems that they actually never had the authority to allocate the County Commissioner’s office to me. Pardon? He gave me a blank look, shrugged his shoulders and drove off in a cloud of dust that ruined my brand spanking new Governor-strength Jionjio Harmani suit with the label on the left sleeve for people to RECOGNIZE! I drove slowly back to the Town Hall, with its peeling paint, blocked toilets, hanging ceilings and two working light bulbs. This is not presidential. I thought my supporters would have been by my side singing war songs against this devilish injustice, but there was no one, again. I have to pay to get support and I haven’t even earned a salary yet. Nkt!

March 25, 2013
I’m getting dizzy with excitement. The swearing-in is this week…..this week!!!! My Chief Campaign Manager got me a new suit, Hubo Goss original! I’m telling you I look presidential when I wear it. He whispered to me that he wants me to make him Head of Public Service-County Level. As if! That job belongs to Bigshot’s son, after all he didn’t finance my campaign for nothing. I got some fundis to make me a number plate – “Governor One” – which I will put on my car and “Governess” which I will put on my wife’s car. My first order of business when I officially take office will be to storm the County Commissioner’s office with my blowtorch, crowbar and tractor with chains. It is one thing arguing with a Governor-elect, but it is another arguing with THE GOVERNOR.
My second order of business will be to appoint my cabinet. What’s that? I don’t have a cabinet? This is my show, and I will do what I want. My third order of business will be to get a direct line to the central government, we need our county budget allocation pap! I have very many ideas of how this county’s services can be improved especially if there are contracts involved. My fourth order of business will be to ensure that my first order of business is complete. Without fear or favor. Without a shadow of a doubt. With utmost certainty. After all, people need to know me: I-am-the-Governor!

[email protected]
Twitter @carolmusyoka