Essential “netiquette” skills for the office worker

To: This is the person to whom you want to send your message to. You may want to either inform, update, reveal, abuse or do all of the above in your communication. Be ready to validate any facts stated therein, defend or take cover when the email recipient hits the “Reply” button.

CC: Carbon Copy. A misnomer really, as there is no actual “carbon paper” used electronically. Put a name into this section if you want to inform, update or reveal the same information to other interested parties such as your boss. This section is typically used to cover your backside when you are asked why you did or knew something and didn’t keep anyone else informed.

BCC: Blind Carbon Copy. This is the section used to fix the person so named in the ‘To:” section. Use this section to let the “BCC” person know information that you don’t want the “To” person to know that the “BCC” person knows. It is a critical method of covering both your front and backside and an excellent tool of office guerilla warfare. The reason it is called “blind” is simply because the “To” person will never see it coming when he is blindsided by the “BCC” person.

Subject: This is the headline of your sob story. The more dramatic the headline the more likely that the “To” person will open your email before the 99 other missives waiting in her inbox. Imagine yourself as a political editor in a leading Kenyan daily who has to pick a headline that will ensure the newspaper sells. Use of terms such as “death”, “destruction” or “disaster” are more than likely to yield results.

Filter: An object used to strain or sift the bad stuff from the good stuff. It is also an email tool that your boss uses to move your useless emails straight to the trash bin without ever having read them. It is also the principal reason why you never get a response from him despite your numerous attempts to communicate electronically. Often used by the email savvy office worker who realizes that he can ensure that only emails in which his name is in the “To” section appear in his inbox. This worker has realized that where his name appears in the “CC” or “BCC” section of the email, it is typically a pointless email that doesn’t warrant eyeball time and is more likely a cover your backside strategy in the office political game. See “CC” above for further clarification.

Delete: A wonderful email tool to delete useless messages and move them straight into an electronic trash can. Usually used by your boss if she doesn’t know how to turn on the email filter function. A good place to start looking when you have the nerve to tell your boss that you have sent her numerous emails and she pretends to search for them in her inbox with no success.

Forward: An absolutely critical position in the wonderful game of football. Also an absolutely critical email function for letting others know what kinds of idiotic messages are landing into your inbox. This function, if used positively, can elevate one to the revered position of “office informant” or “resident pastor” where the messages are juicy bits of gossip or spiritual nourishment. This function, if used negatively, can land one in amazing hot water accompanied by a warning letter from HR if used to disseminate pornographic or politically volatile messages. One is advised to always let one’s fingers hover over the forward button, count to ten backwards, forwards then backwards again before clicking the same.

Reply: The action of responding to an email in your inbox. An essential function if you want to show that you are responsive, you care and you are on top of your game. Critical button to use if the email is from anyone whose pay grade is higher than yours. The rule of thumb is to always wait at least fifteen minutes before you hit the reply button so that you look like your busy. Anything less than that and you look idle and in need of more work. Anything more than that and you look like you are ignoring it, ensuring that you are entering career limiting territory.

Reply All: The action of responding to an email in your inbox and copying everyone else including the folks in the “CC” section. This button is for losers, idlers and anyone who falls in the general nuisance category. This button needs to be disabled universally as it is subject to gross abuse especially when the content of the message is irrelevant to “all”. Senders of responses such as “OK” or “noted” that are contained in Reply All emails need to be subjected to a public flogging at the office building entrance. Please see “Forward” above about the finger hover rule.

Email signature: A professional way of letting your recipients know how to get in touch with you in case they need to call you or send a package to your physical location. It doesn’t assume that the recipient wants to continue an inane electronic conversation with you, but demonstrates that you are not afraid to take the good fight to a more realistic environment than the cowardly virtual world behind which you hide. You can make yours sexy by putting flashing light bulbs next to your name and save the environment love marks to pretend to the world that your life will be shattered if the recipient prints the message on paper unnecessarily.

Request Read Receipt: An annoying email function used by those annoyingly email savvy colleagues who want to know whether you have opened their annoying email when it lands in your inbox. These cyber stalkers are quick to rush to your desk as soon as they have received the receipts and ask you for feedback without waiting for the 15-minute rule. They are often equal to or slightly below your pay grade and wanton abusers of the “Bcc” function. See “Bcc” above.

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